Do you remember that TV show? People were crazy about it. I mean, it was doomed to end. How long could you keep people stranded on an island? That was a huge plane. Of course someone would noticed it was missing. Anyway.
I’m lost.
Completely and totally, utterly lost. I mean, I’m not even sure which way is up these days. I spent eight hours of my day at a meaningless job, doing pointless crap, and all I could think at the end of it was, “What a waste of a day. How many other things could I have done today that would have mattered?” It’s not a good thing when I start plotting what I could have done instead. That tells me I’m really, really lost.
I’ll be honest. I am in a really difficult, really crappy situation right now. I have to find a new place to live. By the 30th of November. It’s not something I was looking forward to, and it’s not something I even anticipated in the first place. I wasn’t expecting to look until January at the earliest. Blind faith, I guess. Or deep-seated, misplaced trust. I’m not sure which.
Last week I got paid. $474.48 for two weeks of work, including two days of vacation pay. Not much to live on. I can’t even find a place to live for that amount. I’ve been working on remedying the job situation for some time, but I’m very limited with my transportation. I’d like to find a job waitressing at night, because then I could pull some extra in tips and stuff, but when you don’t have a car and the bus doesn’t run that late, it makes it difficult. And I don’t even have a way to go looking for waitressing jobs.
So, now I’m feeling really stuck, like I can’t unglue my feet from my forehead, and all I want to do is disappear. Like, if I had a car I would pack up as much crap as I could fit and my kitten and lots of warm blankets (it is swiftly becoming winter here) and just drive. Drive until I couldn’t see right, then pull over to sleep and drive again when I wake up. I know of a truck stop in Beach, ND with friendly people and clean, warm showers. I could stop there to wash up. I mean, it doesn’t matter where I go, where I end up. I just want to be gone.
I’ve had to start thinking about which books I can bear to sell in order to raise money. I’ve had to start thinking about which clothes still have the tags on that I could return, and which I could sell on craigslist to earn some cash.
And then I have to decide: do I use the money to eat, or save it for a place to live? If I don’t eat, I don’t live, and then the saving is pretty much useless.
If you truly loved me, you would try to understand. It is not like I want this, either. I’m just a scared little girl in a big scary world and I just want you to hold my hand.
So, I guess I’m confessing my reality. I am in a really sticky spot, without much clarity of vision or ability to see my options. If you have any clearer vision, please let me know where to put my foot next.
I think when you wonder how many other things you could’ve done today that would have mattered, and imagine, just imagine, doing the one that appeals to you the most, you just might have the clarity of vision and options you so need…
You put your foot right out in front of the other, and take a step, trust in yourself and the universe. Wherever you go, there you are.
Willow
I haven’t been visiting you much, so, I will have a lot of reading to do to find out what happened to you and your dream.
I am full of sorrow for you. You strive and work to make your life better, only to his roadblocks.
As ’she’ said, you put one foot in front of the other.
Never give up.
Faith – in yourself mostly – that you are not lost, just on (another) different path.
You always have my love – no matter where you are or how absent I’ve been.
~A
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep your heart open. There’s a job for you. Don’t limit your thinking. Just open up the want adds, go online, and start applying for things that will BETTER your situation. You are extremely intelligent, you are a fast learner. Don’t doubt yourself. Reach further than you ever have before! And then be patient and kind with yourself.
These are things, anyway, that I am trying to do myself. I wish you luck. And please know that you are not alone on this journey.
j.